Profilectlx.Carlene Tan Li Xuan 11th July 1988. Currently 23+. Studied in St. Anthony's Canossian Primary and Secondary School, SRJC (first 3 months), TPJC, NUS FASS (econs). loves family, friends, chocs, western desserts, yellow, etc etc.
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Thursday, November 25, 2004sounds like i'm love sick... well not really just utterly disappointed in my mum...i always thought families were the most important, i declared to everyone that my family is and will always be my top priority... but now i find myself totally stumped because my family, as in MY MUM wants me to be kidnapped, know why? cause she don't want me to spend all her money away... some mum i have huh... you know, i wanted to shout in her face, i wanted to scream "i don't even want to be here, i'd much rather i've been killed!" but did i say that, of course not, why? cause i don't want things to get any worse. i hid in my toilet, cried while i bathed. i couldn't understand. well it all started this morning... i made an appointment with desir and bernie to swim, and we were suppose to meet at 9, i had to lend bernie a pair of goggles so i told my dad to get 1 out of where he had kept all the extras, but as usual, her forgot. initially, i couldn't find the box, so i called my mum and she said to give her 5 mins and as usual, the silly me thought, "maybe if i found the box, she wouldn't need to wake up", and i found it, so i went in to tell her, and guess what, she lost her temper, accused me of wanting to get new ones to lend etc etc. haish, i told you i was stupid. and what's better, she claims i wouldn't even allow her 5 more mins of sleep. oh come on! and to think i wanted her to sleep in longer. well it's not i didn't tell her, it just didn't penetrate through that thick skull of hers. oh well, never mind, so i just went swimming. i made an appointment with desir and bernie to swim, and we were suppose to meet at 9, i had to lend bernie a pair of goggles so i told my dad to get 1 out of where he had kept all the extras, but as usual, her forgot. initially, i couldn't find the box, so i called my mum and she said to give her 5 mins and as usual, the silly me thought, "maybe if i found the box, she wouldn't need to wake up", and i found it, so i went in to tell her, and guess what, she lost her temper, accused me of wanting to get new ones to lend etc etc. haish, i told you i was stupid. and what's better, she claims i wouldn't even allow her 5 more mins of sleep. oh come on! and to think i wanted her to sleep in longer. well it's not i didn't tell her, it just didn't penetrate through that thick skull of hers. oh well, never mind, so i just went swimming. ah, and guess what interesting event lied ahead, my mum actually poured out her woes to her friends at the florist, not that i mind, but the best part was, i stupidly went to look for her and all her friends were there, that explained those wierd stares i recieved, never mind about that, in the end, what did i get, pity looks, fake smiles and a lecture. already i was preventing myself from making a major outburst and just listening to those lectures, surpressing my anger in fact... and i looked like a fool. thanks mum for embarressing me. okay, back home, dad came home, i went to cut my hair. got the cold shoulder from mum, never mind, came back and heard that freaking statement, and ya, continues as stated in the beginning. after the bath, i headed straight for my room, called all the pals hoping 1 could be my listening ear, unfortunately my unswornie swornie sis was at ballet, mei yi was asleep, si hui not at home, polar bear at the airport, and of course, my koala bear at camp. my sis wasn't home either, xue ling was at her angklung chalet and i was practically deserted. but never mind, i just cried anyway. thank goodness si hui called, but not from her home, which made me feel kinda guilty when it comes to the phone bills, but ya, thanks for talking to me. I’m all right now, though I think I really scared si hui cause I kept saying I wanted to kill myself… but ya I really did, I really wanted to just jump off my house. And a penknife was just in front, I could simply have taken it and sliced myself, but I didn’t, and I don’t know why… maybe it’s cause I kept thinking back of how I counseled people, and perhaps that prevented me from committing suicide. Okay and so I cried till my eyes buldged, and ya, I hid at a corner of my room, and here comes the other interesting part of the story, my parents found me and guess what was their first statement. “what’s wrong with you”. Actually I had already stopped crying but you know, when they said that, tears just flowed out uncontrollably. I couldn’t understand, I mean here I am, crying my eyes out and there you think I’m crazy! What’s wrong with them? Argh!!!! I was so f***ing pissed I refused to say anything throughout dinner. Looked away, stood as far away. And my mum still had the cheek to make noise, whining as if the world had owed her something, acting sympathetic. When will she ever change her style. And she kept threatening to leave the house but you know what, I don’t think that would be necessary, soon, I’ll just walk out of I’ll just kill myself. Simple yeah? I’m still pissed and upset, I’m still thinking of how long more I would last in this household. But for now, I’m alright, if anyone wants to know, and I will look you up if I ever need anyone to lean on… so ya… meanwhile I wish everyone would have a totally different story to tell from mine and enjoy your hols to its fullest. Take care!!! |